Finest City

Right now, I'm sitting on the window seat in Jenny's place, looking out at the ocean and the palm trees and remembering why every time I come to San Diego I wonder why I don't move here.... well, move back here. I lived in La Jolla from 1994 - 1998 (minus one year "abroad") but living life as an undergrad somewhere like La Jolla doesn't give you a really good sense of the area. Jenny has shuttled back and forth between the Bay Area and North County SD since college, but swears that this time she's here to stay. I can't blame her - she's got a sweet place - a beautiful condo in Encinitas, one of the many cool, funky towns along San Diego's north coast.

What I do remember about San Diego is all about precincts. In college I was much more active in politics, and can probably tell you where you're likely to get a good reception when you're pounding the pavement on a Saturday morning to try to get a single goddamn Democrat elected in this town.

Odd sight of the day: When I left home Friday night it was rainy and foggy and this morning in San Diego it rained briefly, causing everyone in the greater area to briefly lose their mind and the sheer insanity of precipitation. We stopped by a surf expo at the Del Mar Fairgrounds and there was a guy with a huge tank on the back of a truck and he was vacuuming up the water. I guess if you were in front of a restaurant, but the fairgrounds? He was just going through the parking lot, vacuuming up the water. Go figure.

Thirty Minutes to Better Running

Courtesy of Runner's World, three different 30-minute workouts.

Workout One

• Run an easy 6-minute warmup.
• Do eight 30-second pickups with a 60-second jog after each. Run the pickups at about your 5-K race pace. After the last 60-second jog, you will have been running for 18 minutes.
• Do a 10-minute acceleration run, starting after your last 60-second jog (above). Do the first 2 minutes at half-marathon pace, then increase your pace by about 20 seconds per mile every 2 minutes. By minutes 7 and 8, you should be running close to your 5-K race pace. The last 2 minutes, you'll be going even faster, which you'll recognize by the tongue hanging from your mouth.
• Finish with a 2-minute cooldown.

Workout Two

• Jog 2 minutes.
• Run 1 mile at your half-marathon pace. Walk or jog 2 minutes.
• Run 1 mile at your 10-K race pace. Walk or jog 2 minutes.
• Run 1 mile at your 5-K race pace.

Workout Three

• Start with 5 minutes of calisthenics that include pushups, pullups, crunches, and lunges. Example: 25 to 50 pushups, 10 pullups, 25 to 50 crunches, and 10 lunges with each leg.
• Run 5 minutes very easy to warm up.
• Run 15 minutes at about your 10-K race pace.
• Finish with 5 minutes of cooldown stretching of the calf muscles, hamstrings, and quads.

"Gosh, that's... uh, interesting."

Also last weekend was the first of three consecutive weekends of Open Studios, where local artists open their studios (and often their homes) to display their wares, discuss their work and hopefully make a few sales in the process. This is one of my favorite events because you get to meet artists who live in your town, and are working away in homes you drive by every day. We got a map of the studios and hopped on our bikes to check out some of the art in our neighborhood.

My two favorites were Bob Barbour and Tom Kennedy. I've admired Barbour's work for years and was delighted to discover he lives in my neighborhood. His best-known images are shots of waves, which he often shoots in the water. He explains on his site:

"As my career progressed, my interest was drawing me "into" the water. I wanted
to create unique and timeless images of the ocean, directly from the ocean,
giving viewers a perspective that most would never have the opportunity to
experience. These photographs are captured while I'm swimming or floating on a
mat, oftentimes in extreme conditions. To protect the camera, I design and build
my own custom water housings."

The Open Studio at Bob's house was set up really well. He has a studio/office in his backyard and had refreshments and chairs set up. When we were done peering, we I turned around and looked at his house. A smallish Victorian style home, it is painted a bright blue with white trim. The house is wave colors. Very cool.


Next we went to see Tom Kennedy's paintings. We hadn't planned on stopping here, but we were riding by and saw the bright green sign that designates an open studio and decided to check it in. There were easels set up all through the backyard and inside the studio. His paintings are modern and non-representational, so it was great to actually have the artist there so you could talk to him. When it comes to really modern work, it's hard to just look at a canvas. "Hmmm... lots of... colors... what is it, exactly?" Tom invited us to sit down in the shade and we chatted for a while, and then he showed us some of his favorite canvases, and talked about how he'd created the paintings, what he thought about them. In addition to being friendly, he was incredibly honest about his work, telling us about what he felt didn't work well and his concerns about the works and the art "industry" generally. This is my favorite thing about this program - being able to stand there and have someone explain their work - how they got involved, what it means to them. Art on a wall doesn't mean much to me. I want to see where it comes from, who made it and where, what they think of it, what do they want people to know about it...

Tom had taken apart a book on modern artists and pasted the pages on a board that was hung by the entrance. As you came in, you could check out mini-bios and an example of the work of the best-known modern painters, like Kandinsky and Pollock. It was a great reference and I think it helped place the paintings in the context of modern work generally.

We stopped by a few other places, someone who did prints with woodcuts, another person who printed on textiles, more painters and a woman who does mosaics with little pieces of ceramics. It must be hard to put all your artwork out there for people to just walk in off the street and judge. I tried to go out of my way to say something nice to each of the artists, although in one case I was so befuddled I just ended up gingerly retreating out of the house when the artist was in another room.

In the warm California sun...

This week we had some much-needed rain, but it felt like saying good-bye to summer, especially since last weekend was packed with lots of summer activities.

We had free passes at the Boardwalk, and on Saturday spent a few hours there with Nat and baby Molly. I think it was the first time JFJ has actually been on the rides, and also the first time I tried the famous "Dippin Dots" ice cream. Most tourists head straight to the Boardwalk and I forget sometimes how many people are from out of town. If you ever need to convince someone that America is in the midst of an obesity epidemic, take them to the Boardwalk.

Sometimes that place really does seem like the village of the damned. One of the human tragedies on offer that day was this very large pregnant woman in line behind us for one of the rides, and she was describing in vivid and EXTREMELY LOUD detail how she was kicking out her boyfriend because he cheated on her. It was a story filled with profanity and repeated references to the court system, family services and the boyfriend's "stash." I thought the story was going to end with her saying, "And that's how we got to be on Dr. Phil."

On Saturday afternoon we helped set up for the Superkid Triathlon, which looked so fun I wanted to borrow a munchkin and enter them in the event! Kids from age 3 to 14 participate in a swim/bike/run at the Simpkins Swim Center. I know, it sounds like child abuse, but it's not an endurance event, the distances are scaled to be age-appropriate, so for example the three year-olds swim across the pool once (with a parent/guardian). ride their little tricycles down the length of one section of the parking lot and then run 1/20 mile to the finish line! The longest distance is for the 11-14 year-olds, who swim 200 yards, bike 2.5 miles and run 1 mile. Unfortunately, we drank too much wine that night and overslept the next day so we didn't get to see the race itself! Maybe that's for the best since I'm sure even though most parents are pretty chill, there was bound to be a few of the uber-competitive variety, screaming at their five-year olds from the sidelines. And that shit makes me crazy.

Latent hostility.

Earlier this week, the sun was shining temptingly outside and Nat and I decide to talk a brief walk. As we come back in, we bump into her boss, who is walking outside as we go in. We exchange pleasantries about the weather:

Me: "It's lovely out there."
Nat's boss: "Yes, I was outside earlier and it's really nice."
Me:"Sure is tough to come back in."
Nat's boss: "Well, off I go."
Nat: "And don't come back!!"

The weird thing was, Nat just continues the conversation we'd been having as though she hadn't just told her boss to get the hell out.

No, I was just calling to say hi.

I was on my way to work this morning and sitting in my car, waiting for the traffic light to change. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw a naked man. I looked again. Sure enough, there was a youngish, slightly scruffy man walking right down the middle of the road. Buck. Naked. He came to a stop to my left and, looking straight ahead the whole time, carefully, even a little primly, sat down in the road and then leaned back until he was lying directly on the double yellow line dividing the street.

This is an extremely busy intersection and, public nudity aside, I was worried this guy would be run over. I called the local police department.

"Santa Cruz Police, are you calling about the naked man on Soquel Avenue?"
(After a brief moment of stunned surprise) "Uh, yes."
"We're on our way."
"Ok, thanks."

Only in this town do they answer the phone, "Are you calling about the naked man?"

Fuck the Cottage, where's the Rose Petal Executive Office?

Women are now CEOs at Kraft ($34B T.R.), Xerox ($16B T.R.), eBay ($6B T.R.) PepsiCo ($35B T.R.) , Time Inc. ($5B T.R.), Wellpoint ($57B T.R.), Archer Daniels Midland ($44B T.R.), Avon ($8B T.R.) and Sara Lee ($12B T.R.).

The full CNN article is here.

There's always a place here for NASCAR jokes.

NASCAR Coach Reveals Winning Strategy: 'Drive Fast'

George Clooney is awesome (#47 in a series)

If that purple thingy looks familiar, look in the back pages of your nearest "Maxim" or "Men's Health" where the sidebar ads are - that is none other than "The Liberator," a sex aid that helps couples get into spectacular positions by arranging themsleves on the plush foam. I love the fact that he's taking it out the front door so casually, like he's going to the grocery store with it.

King Lines movie

This movie (and the people in it) look INSANE. The local showing is already sold out, but hopefully it will end up accessible to a wider audience. In the meantime, the trailer will make you wonder what the hell you are doing sitting in an office all day.



See more at Reel Rock Tour.

The Scientific Christian

Last night I met up with CMW to do a little shopping and have a healthy dinner. Not surprisingly, we ended up sucking down margaritas at Chili's the whole night.* This is pretty much how the entire semester of Professional Responsibility went. We'd show up with the best of intentions, and then look at each other and say, "Margaritas?" Maybe we don't have all the Model Rules memorized, but the important thing is that we supported the economy. And we both passed the bar and haven't been disbarred yet, so we must have done something right.

Another usual thing with CMW and I is to start out with polite chit chat about work and friends and eventually it turns into really heavy meaning-of-life discussions. I enjoy CMW's perspective because she's an engineer and has the most scientific, logical mind of anyone I know. Like a Vulcan in Ann Taylor. Like all rambling, drunken conversations we eventually turned to religion (the immediate precursor to a discussion about sex). CMW and I are both lapsed Catholics who believe that the number of people who believe in Creationism correlates to the lack of emphasis on hard science in public education. We were talking about the difficulty of faith and what we would think about Christianity if we lived in a non-Western country and someone came and pitched us the story of Jesus. CMW pondered the matter of Christianity for a moment, and I could see the left side of her brain churning away, "I suppose it's plausible." she eventually concluded.

*I think this explains my, uh, intense reaction to the Rose Petal Cottage.

Yellow Wallpaper Optional

I have just seen the most disturbing fucking thing on television. I come home, and JFJ is watching the Ken Burns documentary on WWII. But once he hears me coming up the stairs, he quickly flips to the E! special, "100 Greatest SNL Moments." So, it's 10:30pm at night and we're watching Adam Sandler clips, and an ad comes on for something called "Rose Petal Cottage." I wish there was a clip of the ad on YouTube, but there's not, so you'll just have to watch E! at after 10pm to see it. Anyway, this is the most fucked-up commercial I've ever seen, and I grew up when pet turtles were throwing down martial arts in the sewers with rats (who thinks this stuff up?).

So, Rose Petal Cottage. The ad shows this little girl, baking and doing laundry in her little cloth cottage, with the most disturbing voice-ever, encouraging parents to buy this cloth-covered prison of the mind where your little girl can "live out her dreams" (that's a direct quote) by baking and doing laundry. I know that's my dream. And that's what I would want for my kid. No fancy education, profession, or means of providing for herself. Just laundry. 40 years of feminism, and this is what we've got. My Little Laundry Center.

Optional pieces of the Cottage: a lounge chair ("Where you can park your fat ass when you're done with the laundry." -JFJ), and a nursery (which is really just a crib) where you can park the kid in between loads of whites.

Here's what the Hasbro site has to say about this product:

"Give your little girl a place of her own, with this fabric-covered playhouse that gives little imaginations a place to roam free. Standing just over four feet tall, this cottage has double-sided fabric walls to help little homemakers feel right at home, complete with windows, a Dutch door and chimney. When it’s time to prepare pretend meals, the durable fiberboard stove has knobs that really turn and an oven door that opens! Playing “house” in the ROSE PETAL Cottage lets your little girl build her very own home – and her imagination! – right in your living room!"

What kind of fucked-up message do we want to send to little American girls? I mean, Barbies, ok. I played with Barbies as a kid and I still managed to become a professional adult female with only the usual self-image drama, nothing I had to stick my finger down my throat about. I'm very much about let the kid play with what they want to play with. And yeah, it seems like little girls like to play princess and dress up,a nd little boys like to... destroy... things.... But this shit? This is outright brainwashing. There's no "imagination" being used in the Rose Petal Cottage. There's just baking and cleaning and popping out babies (did I mention the nursery?) because, basically, sweetie, that's what you're here for. You cook, you clean and you pop out some munchkins. Want to drive a tractor? Want to play with the ant farm or the chem set? Well, that's just too fucking bad, sweetie, because that's not what little girls do, now get back into that cottage and make me my goddamn dinner 'afore I have to backhand you.


I am now convinced that Hasbro is being operated by the crazy right wingers and it's all part of a plot to turn the nation's little girls into Stepford Wives. Get 'em while they're young, brainwash them into subservience before they get any crazy ideas about growing up to become financial analysts or engineers or (GOD HELP US), Presidential candidates!

I had to blog about this before I compose my sternly-worded email to Hasbro Toy Company and Obedience School. We'll see what they have to say about this. If you never hear from me again, the Southern Baptists came for me in the night. Tell the world my story.

GOY: Girlfriend Of the Year

If there is one thing that gets me the coveted GOY award, what would it be? The fact that as he watched the nail-biting Rockies/Padres game he got to eat freshly-baked cookies? The fact that I want to see We Own The Night for the same reason he does (Eva Mendes is Smoking Hot)? No, it would probably be his birthday presents: the complete DVD set of Indiana Jones movies and two tickets to a Sharks game. On the ice. When I gave him the tickets, I kept pointing to where it said "Row: 1" but I don't think he totally "got" where we were sitting until we were there, with a 1" plexiglass in front of our faces.




Full cups of beer and happy (we had to learn the hard way why you shouldn't put your beer there when the first set of players slammed into the glass and the beer went everywhere).











No more beer?

I have a whole new admiration for hockey players after seeing them up close. The action is lightening fast. Most of my pictures from the game were blurry because the players were moving so quickly but I did get a few that show the action.

In the end, the Sharks beat the Calgary Flames 2 to 1. It was a preseason game, but the Arena was crammed and everyone was really into the game.

Happy birthday, JFJ. The Sharks play some great hockey, but the best team at the Arena that night was us!

Not for the workplace!

SNL...COLONEL ANGUS

Polly Wanna Cookie?

Dear Ms. [Redhead],

Thank you for your e-mail regarding our current Banana Republic models.
We always want to know how our advertising is being received, and your comments are appreciated.

We regularly evaluate our ads for effectiveness and reach because we want to make sure our advertising is appropriate for our customers and our brands. Feedback like yours is an important part of this process, and we have forwarded your concerns to the marketing managers who are
responsible for these decisions. We are sure they will be interested to hear your thoughts on this matter as well.

Again, thanks for bringing your concerns to our attention. We hope you will continue to let us know how we are doing.

Sincerely,

Robert
Customer Service Consultant



Original Message Follows:
-------------------------

Dear Banana Republic,

I was happily shopping on the BR site today when I came across the photograph to illustrate the "Geometric Shift Dress." The model wearing it is WAY more than thin. She looks like she has spent the last nine months on a life raft surviving only on water and Correctol. She doesn't look good - she looks sick (and very, very hungry). Please restore some sanity to your products by avoiding using models that are underweight.

Kind Regards,

[Redhead]
Santa Cruz, California

What was your favorite part about kayaking?

Other fair favorites

Block o'fries














Casually insane quilting.














Wall o'jam.















SWINE BARN!!













The "Pig Parts" poster.

Blogging temporarily suspended while I obsess over television history in the making.

When I saw these roses at the fair, the first thing I thought was, "These would be perfect for a Happy Pride Day bouquet for your favorite gay."

Be careful, though. Make sure the recipient is really "out." Could be awkward.

Lolotter

Scrumpy-isms

My mother stayed with us for a few days this week. I casually refer to JFJ by my nickname for him, "otter."

Scrumpy: Do you call him 'otter' because he is so sleek?

Me: No, otters are his favorite animal... um, did you just say
he's sleek?

Scrumpy pretends not to hear me, rummages in her purse.

September 11, 2007

It would be pretty crass of me to post multiple times today and not even mention the anniversary of the 9/11 attacks. Six years later, it's hard to accept the additional bloodshed that resulted from the so-called "War on Terror:" the 3,762 members of the U.S. Armed Forces killed in Iraq, the 374 killed in Afghanistan, 70,000+ Iraqi civilian casualties and God knows how many Afghani civilian casualties. Not to mention the journalists and military contractors who have also lost their lives, the amputees and other casualties, and the soldiers who come home whole in body but with a broken mind.

How will we explain this to our children? What has been accomplished? Al Queda is growing in Afghanistan, Pakistan and Iraq, Osama's still out there spreading his message of terror. The events of September 11 brought Americans together in a remarkable way. As a nation we mourned together and resolved to be strong, to be united. Today, we are united again, this time wondering, collectively, what went wrong. And looking to our country's leadership for answers.

"Ye have heard that it hath been said, An eye for an eye, and a tooth for a
tooth: But I say unto you, That ye resist not evil: but whosoever shall smite
thee on thy right cheek, turn to him the other also." Matthew 5: 38-39

What the kids say these days.

Cottaging
Discreet acts of buggery performed in a toilet cubicle. Often anonymous.

Mouse arrest
Getting grounded from the family computer.

Butt dial
When your cell phone accidentally calls someone you did not mean to while on your person.

Work hot
A person that may or may not be hot, but is the most attractive person in the set of people you work with so you lust after him/her.

Typeractive
Someone who is overly talkative on emails or text messages.

Pregret
The feeling of regretting something you're about to do anyway.

iPerbole
The hype surrounding any product Apple unveils.

From Urban Dictionary.

Tales from the library

The inscription on the front leaf of a book on fine art reads:

"To John - Marry my mother or give it back!"

And now your heart will explode from the sheer cuteness.

New additions to the celebrity shit list.

Kelly Clarkson: I am a good singer, so I can't possibly be a good writer. Women can't possibly be good at two things.

Hillary Duff: I'm not, like, a crazy feminist. I think women definitely need men. Like, I couldn't imagine having a girlfriend!

Brooke Shields: I'm so naive about finances. Once, when my mother mentioned an amount and I realized that I didn't understand, she had to explain, 'That's like three Mercedes.' Then I understood.

Britney Spears: I've never really wanted to go to Japan, simply because I don't really like eating fish, and I know that's very popular out there in Africa.

The Internet is really great today.

FromOverheard in the Office

Customer: Do you have a copy machine?

CSR: Um, no... This is a book store.

Customer: Yeah, but I just want to copy this book.

CSR: We sell books.

Customer: But I don't want to buy it, I just want to copy it.

CSR: Then maybe you should try a library. We sell books.

Customer: But I'm here now, and I want to copy this book.

CSR: Look, okay, buy the book take it down to Kinkos and copy it, then return it.

Customer: I think that's illegal. I'd like to report you to your manager.

Bookstore
Pensacola, Florida

Boom boom, chicka chicka boom boom*

Continuing in the vein of this week's posts about hetero relations, posted below are some images from the book "Porn for Women" available at fine purveyors of humorous literature everywhere. My friend CMW got this book for me for my birthday. Also, Brie sent me the images by email.**

*That's supposed to be porn music.

**Yes, these are obviously pirated and used completely without permission.

CNN Breaking News: Men like hot chicks!

It's a good thing we have long-term scientific studies to help us figure this stuff out.

WELL. IT'S BEEN QUITE A WEEK.

My profanity and road rage levels are at an all-time high, and I'm expecting the local p.d. to come a knockin' on my door at any moment. Playing DCFC on Pandora usually mellows me out sufficiently that at least I can stop rocking myself and mumbling while crouched in the corner of my office, but today I just want to jump on the desk and shout "MOTHERFUCKER!!!" at the top of my lungs.

Yesterday as I was on my way to a somewhat important business meeting a friend asked me if I ever just wanted to get up and pee on the floor.

Absolutely.

I think it's just the pervasive Office Space-ness about our work environment that sometimes makes me want to do crazy things. It's such a relief that I'm not the only one.

There's no real reason for this sense of mania, apart from the general low-level psychosis that is my constant companion. In fact, it's been a pretty good week.

JFJ moved his stuff in last weekend, and it's been unexpectedly nice to have someone in the apartment to cook me dinner and spackle the marks in the wall where I've made deep gouges with my nails when I'm in "a mood." I'm sure my neighbors think he's always been there because they've heard me talking to myself pretty regularly and are probably relieved to see another person exiting the apartment. My mother tried to pull some bullshit with a mattress we gave her but nothing totally outrageous. And when my ex-boyfriend the commitment phobe announced that he was proposing to his girlfriend of six months (almost exactly two years after he had no intention of ever getting married) I just wished him the best and gave him some pointers on pre-nups. My therapist asked me if I was angry at him, but anytime I start to get bitter, I remember that if TB and I hadn't broken up, I wouldn't have met JFJ and we wouldn't be living in domestic bliss.

I have recently sold a couple of pieces of furniture on craigslist to make way for JFJ's stuff. All in all, it's been a good experience, validating my belief that most people in this this world are honest and good folk who are just trying to get by.

This experience also validated my belief that there are a lot of really, really dumb people out there. I posted an ad for my dining room table, including several photographs, the dimensions and my own assessment of the table's condition. The price? $40.

Here is a sampling of the questions I received about the dining room table:

"How big is it?"
The dimensions are on the ad.

"Can you deliver it to Fremont?"
Yes, and just like a furniture store, there will be a delivery fee. My delivery fee is $850. When would you like me to come by?

"I live in San Jose and I don't know Santa Cruz very well. I'm afraid I might get lost. Can you meet me halfway?"
The fact that you have chosen to live in a crockpot of a suburb which has the housing costs of Manhattan and the cultural benefits of Topeka is entirely your responsibility. The fact that you cannot find your way out of it is just sad.

"What if I come look at it and decide I don't want it?"
Then you'll have to give me your firstborn, who I will sell to the gypsies at a handsome profit.

"Will it fit in my kitchen?"
Yes. Absolutely.

"Will it fit in my Prius?"
Do you actually want to know that, or did you just want to call someone to tell them you drive a Prius?

If you buy stamps online from the US Postal Service, why is there a shipping charge?

Speakers required.

Perhaps I am the only person who still thinks lolcats are hysterical, but I will live with that shame.


The Rockafire Explosion

My mother is hipper than I thought

She frequently tries to send me emails to the wrong email address. Then she just waits for it to bounce back and types in the address more careful (or calls to ask me for the address, in which case she no longer needs to send me the email because she can just tell me whatever it is she was writing to me about). This morning I got an email from her like this, and instead of sending it to my email address "magicalpumpkin," she had sent it to "magicalpimpin." Sweet.

Should Michael Vick be allowed to play?

Here's what some CNN viewer emails say:

Nichelle Williams of Woodbridge, Virginia: "If Imus is going to return back to
the air ... then Vick should return to the field. You violate some people or
beings; you apologize, let the air clear and go on with business as usual!"

Debbie Connor of Whitesville, Kentucky: "No, he should not be granted
the right to play pro football again! He was given the "Golden" key to a life of
fame and riches and he blew it away. He should be working for the road
department, picking up 'Road Kill' off the streets!"

John Robinson of Redmond, Washington: "Pro athletes are constantly getting in trouble with the law. Unless we make a policy that all players who are convicted of a felony are banned from the league, then Vick should be allowed to play after a suspension."

Jeremy Montgomery of Mount Laurel, New Jersey: "I think that Vick should
not be allowed to step on the field again and any endorsement deals revoked.
What he did was reprehensible. He is in a spotlight where he should be held at a
higher standard for a role model."

Patricia Reese of Paola, Kansas:
"Yes, I think Mr. Vick should be allowed to play football again. He is a
talented individual and it would be a shame to waste that talent. I also believe
he should be able to rebuild his life. However, as part of his restitution to
society, I believe he should contribute at least 40% of his salary for what
could have potentially been his maximum jail sentence to the Humane Society to
help abused and abandoned animals."

What do you think?

I went running along the bluffs at Wilder Ranch last night, the first time I've been running in a while and although it was rough, it felt good. Wilder is an incredible place to run, the birds coast along the cliff right next to you and the surf crashes on the rocks below. JFJ met me at the turnaround point and we ran back together. He spotted some otters in the surf and we stopped to watch them. They would dive for shellfish and when they came back up, we could hear them pounding their dinner on a rock to open the shell. The sun sparkled off the waves as the otters frolicked and the pelicans dove into the water. I thought about how lucky I was to live here, with this incredible scenery and wildlife practically at my doorstep.

On the way home we ran into some traffic downtown, which turned out to be caused by a streetfight and some kid almost got thrown on the hood of my car. It appeared to have originated in a neighborhood dive bar (the Asti, aka "the nasty") and the kid's girlfriend (?) was screaming and crying hysterically as two guys chased the kid into traffic and across the street. Without even thinking I did my three-step "trouble" check: Doors locked? Check. Phone in hand? Check. Taser in console? Check.

Bliss shattered? Check.

They see me rollin'... they hatin... trying to catch me readin dirty....

When I’m not spinning def jams and keeping my beyotches in line, I’m reading the finest contemporary fiction I can get my hands on. Thanks to a cool new site called Shelfari, I can keep up with what my friends are reading, write reviews of books, discuss them and join groups of like-minded readers. I’ve included a link to my “virtual shelf” at the sidebar here ---->

Check it out, and if you join, be sure to be my friend. I like friends.

P.S. 2007 New Years Resolution #17 : Obtain A Virtual “something.” Check.

P.P.S. My Shelfar username is magicalpumpkin.

You can never have TOO MUCH time for otters.

UK band 7 Seconds of Love makes vids featuring assorted creatures, mostly kittens. They say "evil" kittens but I think they are just misunderstood.

My favorite song (so far) is I Like Your Pants, which begins with the fabulous line, "I got a lot of time for otters..."

Rove leaving White House to "be with family"

Karl Rove has a family? It's like finding out that Satan likes to garden.

For the fellas...

The next time you're at a wedding and everybody is about to do the Chicken Dance, break out the C-Walk instead. Maybe you can spell out the bride and grooms names with your feet? Sweet.

Learn how:

And on the left, you'll see a naked hippie on the bongos...

JFJ's parents are here for a week-long visit. I'm pleased to announce that they are very nice. We all have the same sense of humor and they are super easygoing. We've been showing them the sights and they are always really interested and eager for whatever we decide to throw their way.

Apparently their son told them that I am a one-woman roadmap, Zagat guide and parking locator. Imagine my surprise when it turns out I'm on tap to provide directions, restaurant recommendations and an instant evaluation of all local parking garages in the greater SF bay area. However, since they have been really understanding about my morning binge drinking, road rage and profanity, I am willing to cooperate.

Tomorrow they meet Scrumpy. Hang on to your hat for that one.

Tell me how you REALLY feel.

Funny, often insulting ecards for, literally, any occasion. Best of all, they can be sent anonymously. But if you're going to send insulting messages to your exes, don't be surprised when they figure out who it is. Hoov, this means you.

Things I'd rather be doing:

Spending 36 hours in Cinque Terre.

You're Going To Die.

We're all going to die. Eventually. At our age (let’s face it, no one over 50 is reading this thing) we are more likely to become disabled than to die unexpectedly. That's why if you're single and don't have kids or a house, long-term disability insurance is probably a better bet than life insurance. Another important thing to think about is who will make decisions for you if you become unable to do so yourself. Don’t get Schiavoed, people. I don’t know about you, but I don’t want my crazy Catholic family keeping me in a vegetative state indefinitely.

Go here to learn more about how you can make your end-of-life decisions now. The site also has a sample Advance Health Care Directive for use in California. That’s here. You can fill it out and either have it signed by two witnesses or notarized.

Don’t just put it “somewhere safe” where no one will ever find it. Bring a copy to your next doctor’s appointment and have them put it in your medical file. It’s also a good idea to leave copies with the people whom you have designated as your decision-makers.

Finally, if you did become a vegetable, what kind of vegetable would you want to be? JNC and JFJ and I discussed this at JNC's local "tea bar" on Sunday. We eventually concluded that corn sounds pretty good. Those kernels are nice and soft, you get wrapped in silk strands and a protective husk. However, I've always been partial to carrots.

Favorite best-of-craigslist post.

Straight Up

From the ever-reliable NY Post :

Paula Abdul is always running late, as seen on her Bravo show, "Hey Paula" - but woe to her assistants if they don't get their jobs done on time. A spy says, "There's a salon chair in her house where she gets her hair and makeup done every day. She'll sit in it, set an alarm, and then, because she's on so many painkillers, pass out while her hair and makeup guy gets her ready for the day. When the alarm goes off she'll wake up, and God forbid the poor guy isn't done yet. All hell breaks loose." Abdul's rep said, "There's no alarm that I've ever seen."

As far as the painkillers go, that doesn’t seem very far-fetched if you’ve seen her new reality show, in which she breaks down into hysterical crying at least two or three times per episode. But as far as passing out in a salon chair in your home while a paid minion does your hair and makeup, I’m 100% on board with that. If I had Paula’s resources, this is exactly what I would do (not yelling at the assistants, though. Don’t oppress the workers). In my case, it might be liquor that induced the nap, rather than painkillers, but most of the time I don’t even need a drink, just somewhere to sit down and I’m out like a light. I can’t think of a better way to start the morning than to nod off in a chair and wake up to find myself professionally groomed and “camera ready” as they say in the biz. I think the NY Post needs to lay off Paula about this, because ladies and gentlemen, this is what success is all about.

Happy Monday

The smell of rotting garbage permeates my workplace. I first noticed in the breakroom and since my office is right outside that room, now my office smells like rotting garbage (a change from the microwaved salmon or broccoli that I'm usually subjected to). I can't actually locate the source of the smell, but it's gotten so strong that I'm starting to worry... that's it's me...

Wait, hear me out. I haven't actually been able to find the rotting garbage. I'm usually the last person to smell something weird but in this case it seems like I'm the only one bothered by it. What if I sat in something or my shirt accidentally brushed against something that smells horrific? And I'm just carrying the smell around with me?

If you work in my office and I smell like rotting garbage, please let me know. Thanks.

Not the only one judging!

And God bless Mark Morford, who wrote a column about the overbreeding Duggars after the 15th child and said everything I'd like to say if I weren't afraid of offending people:

Let us be clear: I don't care what sort of God you believe in, it's a safe bet that hysterical breeding does not top her list of desirables. God does not want more children per acre than there are ants or mice or garter snakes or repressed pedophilic priests. We already have three billion humans on the planet who subsist on less than two dollars a day. Every other child in the world (one billion of them) lives in abject poverty. We are burning through the planet's resources faster than a Republican can eat an endangered caribou stew. Note to Michelle Duggar: If God wanted you to have a massive pile of children, she'd have given your uterus a hydraulic pump and a revolving door. Stop it now.

Ah, but this is America, yes? People should be allowed to do whatever the hell they want with their families if they can afford it and if it's within the law and so long as they aren't gay or deviant or happily flouting Good Christian Values, right? Shouldn't they? Hell, gay couples still can't openly adopt a baby in most states (they either lie, or one adopts and the other must apply as "co-parent"), but Michelle Duggar can pop out 16 kids and no one says, oh my freaking God, stop it, stop it now, you thoughtless, selfish, baby-drunk people.

Hoov says my "ranting" reminds her of his column. And since he has been the subject of many death threats from far-right whack jobs, I take that as a great compliment.

Number of AIDS orphans, worldwide: 13.4 million.

Still angry.

Check out Population Connection for more information about overpopulation. I'm going to give them some $$ right now in an attempt to offset the evil that Arkansas baby makers hath wrought.

Judging! I'm judging!

This crazy bitch just had her seventeenth kid. People. That is NUTS. That family should be fined by the EPA because having ten kids is about the worst thing you can do for the planet right now. I could drive a Hummer on a 100 miles roundtrip commute every day for a month and not pollute as much as that that family does in a day. The article estimates they have gone through 90,000 diapers. WHY DO YOU HATE THE PLANET? Nevermind the diapers, the empty baby food jars, crazy plastic crap, what about the fact that all these kids are going to grow up and all drive Tahoes and have huge refrigerators and probably another 10 kids each! I'm so pissed off about the environmental impact that I don't even want to start on how you could not possibly be an adequate parent to this many children. Check out the "fun facts" about this insanity on the Discovery channel site about the family... who are now getting their own show, of course.

It blows me away that people make fun of Brangelina for adopting kids from third world countries and applaud crazy right wing crackers who don't know how to use a condom. You want to experience the joy of creating life (cue sounds of angels singing)...? Great, but stop at two! That's the population replacement rate!

First executive act by my future presidency: free sterilization to anyone who wants it. With extra clinics in Little Rock, because apparently they are confused.

Uncanny.

As observed by Judith Warner's guest Op-Ed piece in the New York Times.

Subtitles are difficult to read: The Ingmar Bergman Memorial Post

Few things are more fun than reading the comments about movies on Netflix. Poor Ingmar was never really "accepted" by the average American moviegoer. Not that I think he cared. Anyway, to shed some light on the subject, I've selected some reviews of his movies posted on Netflix:

The Seventh Seal
"Maybe I'm missing something here, but I don't think so."

Fanny & Alexander
"A beautifully filmed movie. However, subtitles difficult to read and keep up with."

Scenes From A Marriage
"The reviews would suggest that I would like this - witty conversations on marriage, a classic film, similar to Annie Hall. NONSENSE. This is boring. Two people squabbling for three hours - IN SWEDISH! It is not funny, it is not witty, it is not interesting."

"Boring, boring, boring. Essentially nonsensical dialogue between a husband and wife as they grow to hate each other, and then tolerate each other enough to carry on behind the backs of their new spouses. If you want to see a good movie about the dissolution of a marriage, you're much better off with the well-done American movie "An Unmarried Woman"."

Through A Glass Darkly
"The content of the movie was good, but it was difficult to appreciate the movie while reading the subtitles."

"Who knew that she was just released from a mental hospital? Why was she out in the wilderness with 3 men? What were they doing? Fishing? Vacationing? Did they live there? I know it is great, but it was beyond me."

All creatures great and small

When I was a kid, zoos freaked me out because the cages and the animals prompted an immediate flashback to the opening scenes of Dumbo, triggering Grade A meltdown. Ah, another family trip intended to be educational that all goes horribly awry.

The proposed activity for the weekend includes a trip to the SF Zoo. JNC says going to a zoo without kids seems weird. I don't generally combine my leisure activities with children because they tend to lag after the first few miles and they can't hold their liquor worth a damn. However, I'd still like to go to the zoo. I'd like to get the thoughts of my beloved blog readers on this topic.

Questions:

1. Zoos: a fun place that educates the public about wild animals and their habitats or a parade of animals being tortured?
2. Two adults going to the zoo alone. How likely are we to be mistaken for pedophiles or baby snatchers?
3. Is the format of this post too heavily influenced by the format of a bar exam essay or am I just drunk on $5 wine from Cost Plus (Pinot Evil,baby)? Please cite the relevant Rule of California Civil Procedure in your answer.

Quote for the day

If the First Amendment means anything, it means that a state has no business telling a man, sitting alone in his house, what books he may read or what films he may watch.

-Thurgood Marshall

Goals for last weekend

• Get back on bike after a month of ass-growing. CHECK.
• Try vegan carrot cupcake. CHECK
• Revise opinion that vegan cupcakes taste nasty. CHECK and CHECK.
• Drunkenly expound my world views to boss's 15 year-old. CHECK
• On hammock, balance 6-mo old baby dancing on my bladder. CHECK
• Sunburn boobies. CHECK
• Fulfill JFJ's fantasy of riding our cruisers to favorite breakfast spot. CHECK
• Sell chair. CHECK
• Get rid of gnarly bbq. Uhhh... IN PROGRESS

Seriously, take my furniture.

This is the furniture I'm putting on craigslist. I want $25 for the dresser and $40 for the chair, but if you come over to pick them up wearing nothing but a pink shower cap and sing "Feelings" on the balcony, then you can have them both for free.

Shiny new bikes!

The Birthday Otter came early this year and brought me a shiny new pink bike!




With flowers!

Here is The Otter riding JFJ's new bike:

Five friends every woman needs

by Michelle Buford
From Oprah.com

"Friends are the family we choose for ourselves," writer Edna Buchanan once said.

I consider the "family" I've gathered -- with five kinds of pals I count on for completely different things -- among the wisest choices I've made. If you can find even one who embodies any of the characteristics that follow, you can consider yourself fortunate.

The Uplifter: This woman's favorite word: yes. You could tell her you're trading your six-figure income for a career in offtrack betting, and she'd barely pause before yelping "Go for it!" Don't you need someone who looks past the love handles to notice the extraordinarily gorgeous you?

The Travel Buddy: When the hotel in St. Lucia is a bust, one characteristic becomes all-important: flexibility. This agreeable companion need not be the girl you traded pinkie swears with on the playground; it's enough that she's comfortable with quiet (between gabfests) and is a teensy bit mischievous (as in tequila after midnight).

The Truth Teller: Intent is what separates the constructive from the abusive. Once you've established that the hard news is spoken in love (not in jealousy or malice), you'd be smart to seek out this woman's perspective.

The Girl Who Just Wants to Have Fun: One Saturday a pal and I -- and yes, we're both over age 12 -- pored over every glitter lip gloss in a drugstore aisle for an entire 45 minutes. Forget the crisis download (for that, see the Uplifter); this partnership is about spontaneous good times.

The Unlikely Friend: "Each friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until they arrive," Anaïs Nin wrote. My friends -- some twice my age, others half, some rich, others homeless, some black like me, others Korean, Mexican, Caucasian -- have added richness to my life that only variety can bring.

In the comments: Which friend are you? Which of your friends fit into these categories?

Because it puts the "boob" in "boob tube," that's why.

I've been living a tv-free lifestyle since I last had a roommate in 2003. Not because I have any objections to tv, I love tv (especially The Girls Next Door) but because I'm too cheap to pay for cable if there's no one to split the bill with. Starting in September, I'll be splitting the cable bill again, and I'm wondering what's on these days.

What shows do you make an effort to see? Do you TiVo? Are there any shows you love SO much that you randomly decide to get tickets to a taping of that show, and the next week you and your roommate take 2 days off to drive 400+ miles to LA, arriving at 2am to find out your hotel is occupied by transients and hookers, find another hotel, get up the next day, go to the taping, and then drive 400+ miles home?

Is it wrong that these make me hungry?

From Something is Fishy in Hollywood. You may need to click on the images to enlarge enough to get a really good idea of how much work went into these - the last ones in particular.

Favorite quotes

"When the men at the counter weren't slipping quarters in her pocket they were bringing her things, souvenirs or friendship cards, once or twice a ring. Mama smiled, joked, slapped ass, and firmly passed back anything that looked like a down payment on something she didn't want to sell."

-Dorothy Allison, Bastard Out Of Carolina

OK, people, do your worst.

I turned comments on, and now all the previous posts have a comments area. Interesting.

What five years and $500M+ will do.

J K Rowling, 2002

J K Rowling, 2007

Yikes

I really need to lay off the cheese: CNN's obesity map.

"...avoid that brass ring like the fucking plague."

For various reasons, the past month has been probably one of the most stressful periods at work ever (yet). That's why I haven't been posting as often. I've been missing workouts and friends, and coming home crabby and stressed out. As the anxiety level has increased, I've become (more) self-absorbed and prone to fatigue and depression. Fortunately, this experience has brought home to me that no matter how much more money lawyers at big firms are making, there is no way I want that life. I can't believe that law schools encourage their students to jump on such a self-destructive path. It's not healthy. Certainly not for me. Even though I enjoy my work, and I like (many of) the people I work with, I just can't imagine regularly working 60+ hour weeks. It's just not how I want to live life. And if that means I continue to be a renter and drive a 10-year old car, well... that actually sounds pretty good.

I'll be so happy when the current insanity level decreases, and my life is no longer the subject of an Onion article.

Make me an offer.

Last Saturday I joined in Nat's yard sale. After carefully spending several days assembling my wares, I made $18 selling a comforter and a couple pairs of shoes. JFJ made a cool $115 selling a Game Boy and an air compressor* that he randomly decided to add to the sale at the last minute. C'est la vie, as the unsuccessful French yard-salers say.

Nat and I got so caught up in the frenzy that we decided to see what we could get for Molly (now 6 months and a hefty 18.5lbs). A couple people wanted to haggle, one woman offered to take her but only if Nat threw in a couple of dishes, but Nat stuck to the price. Many potential buyers were tempted by Molly's sweet demeanor, but declined to make the purchase, citing the high cost of a college education. Eventually Molly's dad found us trying to sell his daughter in the front yard and put a stop to it.

*This is such a guy thing. He pulls up and lugs out of his trunk a huge air compressor. Uh, where did that come from? I have been all over JFJ's apartment and somehow I missed the hidden closet full of power tools. Where was he keeping it? Does he have a secret family somewhere, with a garage full of table saws and wet-dry vacs?

Take my bbq, please!

I'm getting rid of my bbq. It's propane powered, and old. But big! I inherited it from someone who was moving. And then I left it outside, uncovered, for a year. Yours for the low, low price of NOTHING. It may even still work. Seriously, if anyone wants it, let me know and you can have it. Tomorrow it's going on Craigslist for the first axe-wielding rapist to pretend to want it just so they can come to my house, kill me and leave my body in the marshland.

Wishing I had more than poetry to comfort a grieving friend.

Say not in grief that she is no more
but say in thankfulness that she was
A death is not the extinguishing of a light,
but the putting out of the lamp
because the dawn has come.

-Tagore

I am officially a codger.

I cannot figure out how to program my phone for email. This is one step away from not being able to set the time on the VCR. I used to hear "adults" making jokes about that as a kid and think, "There's a button that says 'clock' right on the front of the thing, how fucking dumb do you have to be that you can't figure that out?" And now I know how that feels.

It does not feel good.

Yay for the BBC!

Let's move on from my unsavory fixation on Daniel Radcliffe to something more, erm, savory. Namely, the Posh Nosh: "Leftovers" episode...



"Overall, very pure and well-balanced. Like a nun on a tightrope. This one of those wines you don't want to have sex with."

Need convincing?

Naked Quidditch, anyone?

Saw the latest Harry Potter flick last night. I'm sure been unable to avoid the massive amounts of publicity and probably already know that it's a "darker," more "serious" story that previous Potter tales. But let me tell you something that you're not going to find in every review. The young Mr. Daniel Radcliffe, who plays HP? Uh, he has officially reached "hot." That's right, ladies, it's Potter Puberty and it is delicious. First off, he's clearly been working out because you can really see some nice muscle development in the arms and chest. Also, he's got this brooding thing going on. Like Heathcliff with a wand. Plus, if you know anything about these books, you know he's totally emotionally damaged. Sign me up!

Never thought I would perv out on Harry Potter, but I guess this is what my thirties is going to be like. Of course, he's not actually 18 yet, so before you book a ticket to London, please take note:



Inspired by the blog of the brilliant Michelle Collins, who found Potter more attractive a few years before I began to get comfortable with the idea.

Why I'm going to bed now.

Swam a mile for the first time today. Fo'shizzle.

Good for wiling away some lazy daytime hours.

Overheard in the Office

Sobriety is not a "repercussion."

JNC insists that she "had" to go to Vegas in May.

"Or what?"I asked her, "You'll lose your job? Get arrested? Is there a court order that you go?"

"Mmmm...no...." JNC mused, "There would be...repercussions."

I couldn't have put it better myself.

Last night I made the huge mistake of watching Dateline: To Catch a Predator. Gross, gross, gross. In case you haven't seen it, this is what happens: a bunch of sick perverts had explicit online chat with a girl they thought was thirteen. They went over to what they thought was her house where she would be alone. Then Dateline comes out and chats with them and then they get arrested. They broadcast parts of their post-arrest interview with police. One guy actually had the nerve to trot out his veteran status in an attempt to curry favor. Dude, you might get out of a traffic ticket with that. But solicitation of a 13 year-old?

You can only watch this for so long before you start to hate men. I asked JFJ to defend his gender.

"Oh sweetie," he explained, "those aren't men. Those are gorillas who learned how to talk."

This morning the office parking lot had hay and horse manure strewn about. Why were there horses in the parking lot? We may never know.

Just when you thought the Internet had run out of fun...

When I'm not ranting about the Supreme Court, I'm creating my own Simpsons avatar.