Hoov posted this on the Ya Ya blog and I just had to reprint it here. The
article, about how women today are less likely to get married (and how they're okay with that) raises some interesting points. The
Chron is a little behind the times on this one. Time ran a cover story last year about the new single woman and the real estate market, always with an eye on statistics, quickly responded when single women began to dominate the condo and single-income buyer markets. Another
article, also in
Time, notes that in the last 30 years the number of people living alone has gone from 5% to 27%. Traditionally, women have been the ones who push for marriage because it has given them stability they didn't have as single women. Now that women can be successful, stable and single, marriage is on the decline.
My generation is the first to really grow up with the equality that the 60s feminists (men and women) fought for. We reap the rewards of those pioneers,
although my generation eschews the labels and symbols of that movement. Burn our bras? Heck, no, a sexy Victoria's Secret bra will set you back at least $40. It probably wouldn't matter to our mothers' generation, since that bra gets worn under a suit in the boardroom. We embrace
femininity as a source of power, not something that compromises it.
But are we destined to be single? The generation of women raised to with the idea that they could be independent are also more education and earning more than ever before. The market is catching up, gearing traditionally male-oriented products like cars and home repair products to single, professional women. As women learn to do it all, what gets left behind is the role that was filled by the husband. I'm left feeling kind of sorry for the guys, whose traditional roles have become outdated. Their wives bounce a baby with one hand and balance a checkbook with the other while the husband is lampooned as the helpless airhead, the Homer
Simpsons and Tim
Taylors of the world. I'm frustrated by the final impression of the article - that men are increasingly seen as a source of good genes for procreation by the alpha female. As satisfying as it may seem to see the power pendulum begin to shift towards women, we have to keep in mind that the goal of feminism in the first place was
equality. We'll have to remember that as men develop their own modern
identities.
Women see less need for
ol’ ball and chain
By C.W.
Nevius, SF Chronicle
January 28, 2007
Are husbands becoming obsolete? You have to wonder. A recent New York Times study, based on 2005 census results, found that for the first time in American history there are more women living without husbands (51 percent) than with them. To which many men must reply: Uh-oh. After all, how many times did they tell us to put down the toilet seat and pick up our socks? Could it be that a hubby is -- like the big, smelly dog that keeps chewing up shoes -- turning out to be more trouble than he's worth?
"We are definitely looking to have a fulfilling relationship,'' says 35-year-old Gia Colosi, an Intel executive and president of the San Francisco Spinsters, a philanthropic and social club of about 175 college-educated single women. "But at the same time, if it didn't happen it wouldn't be the end of the world."
In case you haven't noticed, that's becoming a prevailing view. Stephanie Coontz, author of the award-winning "Marriage, A History,'' has said, "There is no going back to a world where ... marriage is the institution that organizes people's lives." Take the case of San Francisco hair and makeup artist Teresa Callen. A single mother, she says she left a lousy marriage 12 years ago and admits she ran smack into all the expectations of a traditional role. "I was scared, really scared,'' says Callen, now 44. "I thought I couldn't do it alone. I got engaged to someone else right away, but I couldn't go through with it." Instead, Callen looked around and realized that she had lots of options. She went back to school, got a degree and carved out a life. Coontz says the new trends for women -- college education, financial independence and less pressure from society -- have changed the rules. One of the most important changes, she says, is knowing that you don't have to depend on your husband for a living and "if it doesn't work out, you could leave."
But that's just the tip of the husband-free trend. According to a New York Times analysis of census data, not only are women marrying later, they also are less likely to remarry right away if widowed or divorced. So why aren't there an equal number of men living without wives? Only 46.6 percent of men do. The reasons: Men don't live as long as women, and widowed women are more likely not to remarry and live happily alone. So it was no coincidence when a 2006 study by the National Association of Realtors found that 22 percent of home-buyers were single women. Not only is that an all-time high -- single men were at 9 percent, by the way -- unmarried women also purchase 40 percent of condominiums.
"It's a different generation,'' says San Mateo's Lorri Lee Lown, the founder of Velo Girls, a women's cycling club. "My mother couldn't have bought a house by herself. But I can.'' Erika Lodge, a 25-year-old investment banker and member of the Spinsters, says: "The financial freedom is the biggest component in this. Everyone has definitely noticed that things are changing with women in general.'' And what do the single men think of this? Well, as politically correct males in the 21st century, they know what they are expected to say.
"I think if you talked to most guys in my age group,'' says John Gartland, 34, who is president of the San Francisco Bachelors, "they would say they want a dynamic, independent, successful woman.'' But Gartland's friend and fellow member of the Bachelors, Eric Noland, is honest enough to admit that dating an extremely successful woman might take some adjusting. "It wouldn't be threatening,'' says Noland, a financial planner for Williams-Sonoma, "but if I met someone who was high-powered, there might be some feelings of inadequacy. I think that's a very male reaction.''
There's the rub. Women have clearly changed, but some of them say men aren't keeping up. Lown may be the model for the new single woman. Forty-one and never married, she worked in the corporate world until she took up biking after a long layoff. She loved the exercise and experience, but not dealing with the men's cycling clubs. "Men compete with each other,'' says Lown, who has a master's degree in gender relations. "And they also compete with the women. Women don't want someone to be rude and give them smack talk going up a hill. They want encouragement.'' That wasn't likely to come from the men, so Lown started Velo Girls, for serious female cyclists, in 2002. The club now has more than 1,300 members and last year organized 299 rides, only a few of which included men. "I had no idea it would take off like this,'' Lown says. "It was a huge surprise.'' The interesting part is the demographic. Lown says about 60 percent of club members are between the ages of 30 and 55, "rather affluent, college-educated, and with lots of free time available.''
That's because, in many cases, they aren't married. Nor are they clamoring to invite some men along. "This is definitely not a place to meet singles,'' Lown says. "A lot of women say, 'This is my ride, not my boyfriend's or my husband's.' " Not that they haven't tried it. Lown runs a few "singles'' rides each year, and the last one was the whole new male-female disconnect in a nutshell. "I don't know how many times I had to tell the guys to chill out,'' says Lown, a competitive cyclist who has no problem keeping up with the men. "I finally had to tell them, 'Look, if you are trying to meet women, ride with them. Don't show off. Don't go crazy. That's not impressing anyone.' '' OK then, men say, what are we supposed to be doing? "That's the million-dollar question,'' says Noland, 33. "It's becoming more of a challenge. As guys, we are going to have to come up with some other measures of success for our relationships."
Are guys getting the message? Oh, who cares, women say. They are moving on regardless. Consider Sheila Moon, a San Francisco fashion designer, who is a single woman in her 40s. Moon worked in the fashion industry for years, doing contemporary sportswear, suity-stuff." But four years ago, she saw this trend of "encouraging women to enter activities that are usually more male-dominated," and decided to design a line of women-only cycling clothes. Today, Moon's designs can be found in stores in 23 states, from Florida to Oregon. The average person might be surprised to hear that women make up a higher dollar value of the bike retail market than men. Lown jokes that the reason is that a "man will buy a bike, a pair of shorts and a shirt. A woman will buy a bike and 10 outfits.''
Now, just to make it clear, there wasn't a person we talked to who wasn't interested in a solid, long-term relationship. "Deep down, people want some sort of a partner,'' says Gartland. "Most people still get married.'' "And women do have the biological clock,'' says Colosi. "I think a lot of us still hear about our parents wanting grandchildren.'' That, Gartland hopes, is a guy's ace in the hole. "We will really know we are obsolete if the birthrate keeps dropping," he says. "We still have that one useful reason to be married."
