So I decided to try and find some new pre-workout supplements to boost my energy because I've really been lagging lately in the mornings. I wanted something that was pure energy and did not claim to be some kind of appetite-suppressant. That whole TrimSpa, Hydroxycut thing is just pills for fat people who want to eat Cheetos and lose weight all through the miracle of a few little pills. And good luck with that. Meanwhile, back in reality, I was hoping to get something that was more of an athletic energy booster (I like to stay away from the phrase "performance enhancer" since that has kind of negative connotation... thanks, Barry). So I was looking for the kindof pills meatheads from the gym would take when they aren't shooting themselves with horse hormones. You can already tell this story is going to work out well, can't you? A couple of years ago, TB drank a can of Redline and called me from his apartment parking lot, where he'd been walking around, "trying to hold (his) shit together." Apparently it gives quite a jolt when taken on an empty stomach and TB, no stranger to the GNC, was having a violent case of the shakes. He alleged it also made him paranoid, but who can tell? So now they make this stuff in pill form, and since the FDA hasn't banned it yet, I had it in the back of my mind as a potential. But I'm a pretty risk-averse person, especially when it comes to unregulated supplements. But after about a week of feeling like my morning run was taking place in a large bowl of jello, I complained to JFJ, who as it turns out, it also on the Little Blue Bottle. Aha! I tried a few last week but forgot to take them consistently, so this morning's spin class was the first real test.
5:20am: Take 2 redline and eat half a banana (learned from TB's mistake and will not take on an empty stomach. Also warned by JFJ, who gripped my shoulders in a Obi-Wan to Luke manner and whispered, "Always... take with food.").
5:55am: arrive bleary-eyed at gym and stumble over to spin class. Glare at perky instructor.
6:13am: Starting to feel more energetic. Is it just being warmed up, or are the magic pills working?
6:22am: Really feeling it now. The instructor has us go aroudn the room and decide what to do for 30-second intervals. Most people go with something like sitting for thirty seconds or standing for thirty seconds. I come up with a complicated stand-for-two-seconds, hover-for-two-seconds routine, which I enthusiastically try to direct by shouting directions, at one point letting loose with, "GO! GO! GO!" The man on the bike next to me rests his head on the handlebars at the end of my interval.
6:46am: Instructor comments that I was particularly energetic this morning. Several of the other women in the class nod. I dismiss the cool-down, throw on my shoes and run upstairs to where the treadmills are.
6:55am: After about 8 minutes at a 3% incline, the energy is beginning to drag.
7:02am: No, it's not! BURN, BABY, BURN!
7:22am: Listen to soothing music for cool-down, tempted to try some bench presses but opt to hit the showers instead.
8:05am: Ready and at work in record time. For the first time, I notice there is a massive hole in the middle of my body and it's expanding. I must close the whole by putting food in it.
8:11am: Bowl of eggwhites and an english muffin later. Still hungry. Eat a banana.
8:27am: Still hungry. Eat a bowl of oatmeal.
8:34am: Is there no amount of food that will satisfy me? Eat a protein bar.
9:04am: A little shleepy. Have some coffee.
9:52am: Email JFJ with concerns about overwhelming hunger. He instructs plenty of fluids and protein. Drink more water.
From 10am until about 11:30 is just a haze of trying to find food and stay awake. I feel like a giant lumbering around in slow motion. The extra energy helps you burn calories, sure, but how about the fact that you are driven to consume your entire body weight for breakfast? That's not helping shed any pounds.
At some point irritability kicks in and the momentary satisfaction of lunch is broken by the obsessive need of everyone around me to get on my last nerve. For some reason, everyone wants to stare into my office today. People gap, open-mouthed, as they slowly cruise by,a s though I am some kind of strange zoo creature. At one point I contemplate throwing my own feces at them but the logistics are overwhelming given my lack of energy. The afternoon has been survived only through the help of sugar and prayers to the sweet baby Jesus to help me get through the day.
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