Favorite IKEA ad.

I first saw this ad years ago and thought it was hysterical. It would never air here because America refuses to admit that anyone over 40 has sex. Especially not if they are a parent.

I know EXACTLY what you mean.

My work buddy was trying to describe the person she'd just interviewed. Of course, the first topic of conversation is how they looked. I had only seen the back of the candidate and had observed that they appeared to be professionally dressed and able to walk in a straight line. I told my friend that I thought the interviewee looked pretty well put together. She raised her eyebrows at me.

"Good thing you didn't see her from the front..."

"Ooooh... that bad?" I asked.

She paused to think, apparently reaching back to her hard-partying days, "You know when the lights go on at 2am?"

Only four days left!

Is it just me, or is John Heder just the purtiest little thing you ever saw?


Preview here.

I haven't had nearly enough coffee yet to answer that.

My mother emailed me bright and early with her question of the day:

"Hi Pumpkin: How was your weekend? Is it me, or shouldn't John Edwards put his wife and children ahead of his ambition to be President?"

No idle chit chat for her, she just gets right in there. That was the entire text of her email - you really have to have to be on your game with this woman.

Christopher D. Rose

On Sunday, March 18, The Chronicle published a special insert, Profiles of Sacrifice, which listed the names of the 3,211 members of the U.S. Armed Forces killed in Iraq since the war began four years ago. That number is now 3,235. The section contained brief profiles of the thirty-six servicemembers from the Bay Area who lost their lives in Iraq. The text of the profile on Army Spc. Christopher D. Rose is below:

On Christmas, Christopher D. Rose's parents placed a small tree on his grave. On Valentine's Day, they brought him a card.

Every day, they drive from their Daly City home to Golden Gate National Cemetery in San Bruno before Rudy starts his night job as a security guard and Margaret her graveyard shift at Target.

They tell their son that they miss him, that they love him. They pass on messages and cards from family and friends who know the couple religiously visits their son, Army Spc. 4 Christopher D. Rose, 21, who was killed June 29 by a bomb in Baghdad, two years after he had enlisted in the Army.

"If we didn't go to the cemetery every day, I would go crazy," said Margaret. "It's great to tell him hello."

On Feb. 4, what would have been his 22nd birthday, they bought his favorite rum cake and, together with family, sang him happy birthday. Their son, they said, was so kind and ebullient. He told them he joined the Army to keep his family safe.

They savor memories of his two-week visit home in May, and wonder if he sensed his impending death and was saying goodbye. He visited favorite elementary, middle and high school teachers in San Francisco. At one gathering, his mother spotted him watching quietly from a distance as everyone enjoyed a party.

"I'm putting it in my mind -- the memories I want to take with me," he told her.

He had already lived through hell in Iraq. Not long after arriving in November 2005, a roadside bomb exploded near his humvee. His sergeant ordered him to fire on some figures Rose had spotted running away, his father said. When the troops examined the bodies, they discovered children with a remote detonation device. The young soldier never got over it.

His mother has agonized over whether their son suffered before he died. And then her husband Rudy had a dream in which Christopher appeared and explained, "All I heard was an explosion and my legs went numb."

"The message to me is 'I didn't suffer,' said Rudy, who cries every day.

This is why the Lord hast blessed us with YouTube.

Clips from 300 set to the tune of "It's Raining Men". Hallelujah.

I know it seems like I'm a lazy blogger, but really I'm just pissed that my computer crashed right as I was posting my brilliant review of Mistress of Spices. So I didn't post for a week, and BOY did that show my computer!

In the meantime, others have been far more productive with their time than I:



I'd give credit if I knew who to give it to.

Serendipity

There is piped music in my gym and today as I walked into the locker room a rather large, naked woman bent over in front of me just as Sir Mix-A-Lot's "I Like Big Butts" song came on.

Let's all take a moment to celebrate the lyrical majesty of that classic ballad:

I like big butts and I can not lie
You other brothers can't deny
That when a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist
And a round thing in your face
You get sprung
Wanna pull up tough
Cuz you notice that butt was stuffed
Deep in the jeans she's wearing
I'm hooked and I can't stop staring
Oh, baby I wanna get with ya
And take your picture
My homeboys tried to warn me
But that butt you got
Make Me so horney
Ooh, rump of smooth skin
You say you wanna get in my benz
Well use me use me cuz you aint that average groupy

I've seen them dancin'
To hell with romancin'
She's Sweat,Wet, got it goin like a turbo vette

I'm tired of magazines
Saying flat butts are the thing
Take the average black man and ask him that
She gotta pack much back

So Fellas (yeah) Fellas(yeah)
Has your girlfriend got the butt (hell yeah)
Well shake it, shake it, shake it, shake it, shake that healthy butt
Baby got back

(LA face with Oakland booty)

I like'em round and big
And when I'm throwin a gig
I just can't help myself
I'm actin like an animal
Now here's my scandal

I wanna get you home
And UH, double up UH UH
I aint talkin bout playboy
Cuz silicone parts were made for toys
I wannem real thick and juicy
So find that juicy double
Mixalot's in trouble
Beggin for a piece of that bubble
So I'm lookin' at rock videos
Knockin these bimbos walkin like hoes
You can have them bimbos
I'll keep my women like Flo Jo
A word to the thick soul sistas
I wanna get with ya
I won't cus or hit ya
But I gotta be straight when I say I wanna --
Til the break of dawn
Baby Got it goin on
Alot of pimps won't like this song
Cuz them punks lie to hit it and quit it
But I'd rather stay and play
Cuz I'm long and I'm strong
And I'm down to get the friction on

So ladies (yeah), Ladies (yeah)
Do you wanna roll in my Mercedes (yeah)
Then turn around
Stick it out
Even white boys got to shout
Baby got back

(LA face with the Oakland booty)

Yeah baby
When it comes to females
Cosmo ain't got nothin to do with my selection
36-24-36
Only if she's 5'3"

So your girlfriend throws a Honda
Playin workout tapes by Fonda
But Fonda ain't got a motor in the back of her Honda
My anaconda don't want none unless you've got buns hun
You can do side bends or sit-ups, but please don't lose that butt
Some brothers wanna play that hard role
And tell you that the butt ain't gold
So they toss it and leave it
And I pull up quick to retrieve it
So cosmo says you're fat
Well I ain't down with that
Cuz your waste is small and your curves are kickin
And I'm thinkin bout stickin
To the beanpole dames in the magazines
You aint it miss thing
Give me a sista I can't resist her
Red beans and rice did miss her
Some knucklehead tried to dis
Cuz his girls were on my list
He had game but he chose to hit 'em
And pulled up quick to get with 'em
So ladies if the butt is round
And you wanna triple X throw down
Dial 1-900-MIXALOT and kick them nasty thoughts
Baby got back
Baby got back
Little in tha middle but she got much back x4

This is why I drink during the week.

I stopped off at the grocery store on the way home and, at the checkout counter, the cashier mentioned that she had just turned in a "take home" final exam that day. I asked about her class and we chatted about exams as she rang up my groceries. The bagger, another young woman, came over and started putting my groceries in a bag. Since she had come in the middle of the conversation, she wasn't clear whose exam we were talking about.

"Do you have finals, too?" she asked me.

"Oh, no," I replied, "thankfully those days are behind me." She cocked her head thoughtfully and looked at me.

"Yeah..." she said, "I thought you looked a little old to be taking tests."

Last night CLA and took a class about freelance writing. We had both really been wanting to take a step towards some kind of creative outlet. Hopefully a lucrative creative outlet. She and I both have the experience of reading our favorite magazines and newspapers and seeing the same articles passed around and around. Even more frustrating, they aren’t particularly well written. Of course I have to point out that if I were to actually submit an article for publication in a newspaper or magazine I would try to write much better than what I spew out on this site. Because that would be for money. And this? This is for sanity.

The class ended at 10 but when you’re the Redhead, the evening is just getting started at 10. Ok, I’m usually asleep at 9:30 but on this particular night I was determined to rage because I promised to go to the Chevelle show at the Catalyst. Although I had been worried about being too tired to be in the mood for live music, once I arrived at the club and heard the thumping of the music from outside, I was ready to party. I couldn’t believe how long it had been since I’d seen a band, randomly, in the middle of the week. Although I had an initial spate of partying after the bar exam, since fall it's really been all about getting up early for training runs/rides/whatever and having dinner out with friends. It's been a while since I actually put on the party shoes.

Once I got inside, things seemed a little... odd. That same club smell was there, beer and sweat and way too much weed. But it just seemed really... clear. I read any writing on the wall or near the stage. It was almost like I was somewhere else, just watching the show television. At first I thought it was because it was less smoky than usual. Then I thought maybe I had forgotten to take my glasses off. Nope, I wasn’t wearing glasses and still everything seemed different. I finally realized it was the first time I’d ever been to that venue and been Stone Cold Sober. Back in the day, stopping for a couple drinks before the show was mandatory! Why go out if you're not going to get hammered? But I found I enjoyed myself so much more without the buzz. There are advantages to getting older - like being content to stand near the back and not get bumped into by moshers or sprayed with beer by the band. And waking up the next morning feeling, if not quite "fresh" then at least not hungover.

Unfortunately I only got to hear a few songs because the class got out so late, but if you get a chance to see Chevelle live, check it out.

The photo below is from the top of the Santa Cruz Bike to Work page. Now, for those of you still with me (JNC has stopped reading after she saw the phrase "bike to work") I just have to say that if you are going to advertise cycling as a means of transportation, this is probably not an effective way of doing it:

(Photo credit: Shane Porter)
This does not look like fun. This photo makes me want to crawl in my warm, dry car and drive, not only to work, but drive to anywhere I need to go, even the grocery store that is 3 blocks away. Just looking at this photo makes me want to go pump my car full of gas just in case I get stuck in a rainstorm. Plenty of other useful information on that site, though.

Now that I can ride a bike without feeling like someone just took off the training wheels, I'm going to ride to work a couple times a week. I need the miles, I need the exercise and I sure as hell need Al Gore off my back. I'm sure this will result in all kinds of hilarity involving key pieces of clothing left behind and near misses with SUVs. Wish me luck.

Book Review: You Suck

Sometimes your brain just needs a vacation. For example, when your body has rid itself of every type of liquid in every way imaginable, and you feel like a smelly, crusty shell of a human being, that's a good time for some Christopher Moore.

Moore has written about the supernatural and the merely strange. I suppose you could just call them "outlandish tales," and as a bonus some of them take place right in lovely San Francisco. One of his first novels, Bloodsucking Fiends, is about a super-hot redhead, Jody. I love stories about super-hot redheads and this one had attained vixen-like status of which I can only dream. In Fiends, Jody was turned into a vampire by an ancient evil vampire. Then her boy toy and his colleagues from the night crew at the Marina Safeway hunt down the evil vampire before he destroys the city, wackiness ensures. You Suck picks up right where Bloodsucking Fiends left off so it's helpful but not necessary to have read the previous book. In fact, in a way that could be frustrating or is maybe just very cunning marketing, the characters from his other books make occasional appearances, and at one point intersect with the plot of A Dirty Job, one of my favorite Moore novels.

While it's fun to see characters from other novels, I've always thought one of Moore's strengths was the waay he really made each wacky character jump off the page. When you already know most of the characters, there's less to enjoy. In fact, some of the best parts of the book involve new characters, including Blue, a Vegas hooker who is actually, painted blue. Another new character is Abby Normal, the teenaged goth girl who befriends the Jody and the boy toy. One of the best parts of the book is her diary entry about meeting another character from Fiends called Steve. He has just saved her from a crowd of vampires with his UV-accessorized "totally race-pimped yellow Honda."

And I'm like, "Who the fuck are you?"

And he's like, "My name's Steve. I'm working on my biochem masters at S.F. State."

"Stop," I said. "Please do not further endorken yourself to me. You have great hair and a car that is most fly, and you have just saved me with your mad ninja driving skills, so do not sully your heroic hottie image in my mind by further reciting your nerdy scholastic agenda. Don't tell me what you're studying, Steve, tell me what's in your soul. What haunts you?"

And he was like, "Dude, you need to cut back on the caffeine."

Doesn't that just make you want to read the rest of the book? Unfortunately that was one of the few highlights for me. If Moore's work sounds like something you might enjoy, try Bloodsucking Fiends or The Lust Lizard of Melancholy Cove. See? Even the titles make you want to read them.

Parental guidance suggested: Novel contains scenes of hot vampire sex, nudity, and some gory vampire killing.

Be careful what you wish for...

The past week brought on an alarming rise in poundage. My poundage, that is. I got on the scale to find myself a whopping 5 lbs heavier than a week before. This is the week after a 21 mile run, which should only bring weight LOSS. Although I didn't feel any different, the numbers on the scale stayed on my mind and suddenly all my clothes felt tighter. In some kind of karmic balancing, today I lost a lot of weight, but unfortunately it was in ways that making involve frequent trips to the bathroom while walking funny.

So instead of going to the gym after work or enjoying the sunshine with an evening run, I'm lying on the couch feeling very, very sorry for myself. I live next to a church, which when I saw the place originally made me think it would be nice and quiet. I have come to realize that the church hosts a lot of events in the evening that involve lots of crowds, children running screaming around the parking lot and amplified sound. I can't tell you what they're saying because the voices are obscured and... I don't speak Spanish.

Here's a sampling of what I'm listening to:

Loud voice speaking commandingly.
Female voice, quieter, speaking in a somewhat pleading monotone.
Screeching noise, possibly an imitation of animals?
Long silence.
More of the monotone woman.
Sound of gong.
Extremely loud voice speaks commandingly again.
Long silence.
Crowd laughs.

What is going on over there?

In the spirit of continuing the running-themed posts this week, I bring you "Coping With Common Running Injuries", a very handy set of tips from Web MD's Weekend Athlete's Sports Injury Guide.

Some other favorite running sites:

MarathonGuide.com is a great resource, in particular the bulletin boards, which include boards devoted to women runners and reviews of specific races.

Active.com, where you can search (and register) for races by zip code, date or even sport. There are very few events that are not on Active.

Hal Higdon, whose training guides I've used for Silicon Valley and CIM.

Runner's World magazine. Although I subscribe to Runner's World, their website has a great archive of past articles divided by topic. It's amazing how much of their content is online.

Cool Running's Couch to 5k plan. If you don't run at all, except to the bathroom at halftime, then this is where to start.

At the other end of the extreme is Dean Karnazes' site, the "UltraMarathon Man" who ran 50 marathons in 50 days and described the experience on his blog. His final marathon was the NYC, and then he decided to run back to San Francisco. I had the impression of Karnazes as the Lance Armstrong of running, complete with Texas-size ego. Reading the blog as he completed the Endurance 50, I really came to admire Karnazes' humility. He was genuinely awed by the people he ran with and as their stories inspired him to keep running, they inspired me, too. I still think he's nuts, though.

26.2, again.

We're putting together a crack (smoking?) team of runners for the Nike Women's Marathon, which will be October 21, 2007. Cyndi and Hoov are signed up for the Half (which sold out in one day and now they are having a drawing for half marathon entries.) JNC is signed up for the full because the half was sold out, but insists she'll be stopping at the halfway mark. I'm looking forward to getting some practice in on the SF course over the next several months. That's something I can't do for the Big Sur Marathon, what with it being on Highway One and all.

I can't believe Big Sur is only 53 days away. I feel like I need months more to train. I have a calendar with pictures of the course and everytime I look at it I start to panic a little. Every photo seems to be of the highway snaking up a huge hill. I'm starting to have nightmares about the elevation chart:

What exactly have I gotten myself into here?

We miss you, Sandy D.

I was inspired by JFJ's creation to play with some of the tools on the FD Flickr site, which I highly recommend as a good way to spend a rainy day. Or week, even.

JFJ made this, probably inspired by the amount of RedBull I have to drink in order to stay awake past 10pm.

Today is the first day of early registration for the Nike Women's Marathon on October 21 in San Francisco. With only 251 days left to train, I wanted to register as soon as it opened. But the active.com site has been completely overrun with people trying to sign up. I know there are 15k spaces, but I'm afraid it's going to sell out on the first day! Aigh!